I Do or Don't
by RaeReads
Summary: A life full of mixed up blurbs, always regretting something you put on yourself.


I do not like you. I don't expect you to smile towards me. I do love you. I don't expect you to forgive me. I said "I hate you" to your face, something I didn't mean.

I was never honest with my feelings; I know I was never honest with my feelings. I had a crush on you when we were children, first grade I remember. I had only one friend; that friend didn't know. I had argued with people, you getting caught in the middle of it all. I had groups with you, only to get jealous of everyone I saw you with, it was always like this, on that same repeating cycle.

We always have the same groups. We were in complicated groups way ahead of our grade, and fate will have it's way. I see many people with you, friends and best friends. One of them left you; another stayed with you, I always wanted to stay and be with you. My past regrets are not as huge as my feelings I bare for you.

My room is a mess; I can't be bothered to clean and do anything any reasonable person would do, I just can't get you out of my mind. I go crazy each time I see you, my heart pounding; it was never ending. I had a chance with you, younger than me, my ego being huge, I thought I could get you before I lose you. But I didn't lose you. I always heard you back talk about a lot of people, yet still, I'm falling for you.

You thought that I wasn't listening or hearing about what you say behind my back. I was. It hurt. You told all your friends that "I'm the cruelest person in the world" or that "I should just see someone because I'm crazy." I am crazy. Drop dead crazy for you. I loved you. You never loved me. I missed the old you.

I remember that we were in the same class, you had one chance to sit next to me. I remember near the end of the school year; I sat in your seat instead of mine for the rest of the semester. I had made those mistakes on purpose. I had always shown off, just to get attention from you, no matter how embarrassing it was for me. I'm just clumsy, awkward, and shameful no less, but I can't imagine this forever. I wish it were a nightmare I could wake up from- but I can't.

This is the reality for me. A painful, stupid, ignorant me who fell for you. We were in different a different class in sixth grade; I thought it would be different. The celebration I had with you and the others was okay; I just felt sick near you. I wasn't disgusted or disappointed with you- I just knew I couldn't have you. I smiled all the time, no matter how hard it was for me, like a facade that broke down in front of my face at home. I smiled. I saw you with another person, someone who everyone said you were dating. I couldn't help it.

I broke down in the classroom that we were in, it was like you when I saw your face cry tears of pain. The teacher asked me "What is wrong," and I couldn't be honest. I stormed out of the classroom in tears of what might happen next. My friends, I haven't seen since daycare knew who she was; they knew I liked her. But that person who I said started dating her was my best friend from childhood.

I remember she hugged me, the contact I made with her was magical like someone cared for me after years of pain. I pushed her away from me. The pain I couldn't bare. She was alone when we entered middle school, all alone. I patted her head, and we became friends. I never saw her after that, for the rest of the day at the most. I listened to my music. My only comfort. I was a big sister, and I had to try my best not to cry. I disappeared from her. Over a week. I was gone.

The little lies I told you were stupid. I don't hate you. I never have. I just said, "I hate you." I have never hated you. I just love you. You know what, I don't love you. I don't hate you. I don't like you. I don't dislike you. I can't feel anything towards you; I'm not allowed to. At least that's what I thought.

I remember when I went back after the week I was going there to collect my school supplies. I looked into your eyes, and I fell in love you more than I have. I had ignored my feelings. So I left as quickly as I could. After I left, I spend the rest of my middle school life in a new school. A school far away from where she is.

After I had been done with middle school, I decided to go back to my hometown to go to high school, where I know she is. I got my new classes, and I never saw her the whole day in the high school. I knew my mistake, a mistake I wouldn't have made if it were to end up like that. The error I made, was leaving, leaving someone I still love. I thought about her all the time, and it will always be like that.

I regret it. I always will. I will grow up dying alone, a painful one at that. But I should stop referring her as well, her. Her name is Hatsune Miku. A girl I love. A girl that most likely hates me by now, I miss her.

I know it hurts me, but who knows- I may be falling into that same old childish love. If I knew that little crush could change my life so much, I would have asked her out a long time.

I do love you. I don't hate you. I will always love you. I could never hate you. I do love you. I don't hate you. I do forgive you for hurting. I don't forgive myself for falling in love with you. I always knew that things happen for a reason. So one final time, I love you, HATSUNE MIKU! I, Megurine Luka, LOVES YOU, HATSUNE MIKU!

A/N: Ah, this happened in real life. I had this huge crush on a girl; you know this is how I felt. If you have a crush, ask them out while you can. I wish I had done that. I still love her, so it feels a little great to get this out. You don't have to feel pity; I just hope you don't make the same mistake I made. Also, I hope you can leave a review, it always help. Also, this is not in chronological order for a reason.


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